The History of the Bonesaw
As told by Matt $
The history of the Bonesaw is a long and perplexing one that coincides with the rise of man. Early cavemen used primitive versions of the saws to kill their prey and it soon became the most feared weapon amongst the Saber tooth tigers and Woolly Mammoths. The Hunters and Gatherers eventually lost control of the Bonesaw and could not wield its mighty power.
Thousands of Years later, Jesus uses the Bonesaw out of desperation and decides it is to powerful for man to possess. Jesus dies and takes the secrets of the Bonesaw with him.
Again the Bonesaw vanished from the earth for over a thousand years until a brave conquistador known as Cortez secretly unleashes it on the unsuspecting Aztec population who hailed him as a god.
Cortez tries to convince the Spanish throne to popularize the Bonesaw, but they refuse and England invests heavily in the Bonesaw. The English go on to defeat the "invincible" Spanish Armada with direct help from the Bonesaw. England becomes the Worlds most powerful empire and decides that the Bonesaw is too powerful and tries to hide its secrets in the new world.
After the American Revolution, all ties with England were severed and so were the secrets of the Bonesaw which was now in the hands of the United States of America. During his presidency, Thomas Jefferson decides to secretly hide the Bonesaw in a place where no one would ever find it, a place called Potsdam.
President Jefferson figured no one would ever look in a desolate place like Potsdam. He also hid a warning in the town name, MADSTOP! This was a way to tell people to stay out and prevent the secrets of the Bonesaw from being revealed.
Over a hundred and forty years go by before the WW2 effort needs drastic measures. Newly anointed President Truman comes to face an epic decision that would change the course of history. After much debate, the Truman administration decides to go forth and unleash the Bonesaw on Japan.
The Bonesaw was unleashed on Hiroshima and Nagasaki with devastating results. However, to hide the horrific effect of the Bonesaw two atom bombs were dropped to cover up the scene. The a-bomb was met with much cynicism and outrage. However, Truman would rather face this outcry than if the public knew the truth about the Bonesaw. Truman faced many questions and criticism about the a-bomb during the Presidential Election of 1948, yet kept the Bonesaw secret.
During Trumans whistle stopping campaign, the train which also carried the Bonesaw made a stop in Utica. However, a bunch of theives managed to elude the armed guards and steal the Bonesaw and hid it in Utica. The Bonesaw would lay hidden for over 50 years until "Thunder Dan" Gooley found it and began spreading the word. Thunder Dan took 1 disciple who he single handedly taught the ways of savagery and the Bonesaw. This disciple was known as...
Eventually Savagery and the Bonesaw became popularly linked in Spiderman the movie, where Macho Man Randy Savage with his new deity status appeared in his feature role as Bonesaw McGraw. The producers of Spiderman said that the greatest wrestler (and rapper) of all time should have a fearsome nickname, and was thus named after the rumored and legendary weapon that had impacted the world the like none else.
After Thunder Dan's work was completed, Matt $ spread the word of the Bonesaw to the current high ranking officials at Clarkson University. Where through triumph and hard work managed to unleash its power during hockey games, spreading the phenomenon like crazy. Now Bonesaw is back where Thomas Jefferson thought it should remain, and remain it shall by causing madness and chaos on any of those who dare enter Cheel Arena. The Golden Knights are the defenders of the Bonesaw, and will valiantly oppose any who wish to take it.
The bonesaw now lays with you, Clarkson University. Use it wisely.